Fixture

As far as local derby’s go, they don’t get much derbier than this.

With the rain coming down, the Sarries made the long journey to King Edward V Drive. As kick off time arrived, the Sun decided to make an appearance just in time to see the Sarries take on Cathays RFC.

With a good turnout by the Sarries, it was time for the hardworking captain Aled ‘Wingardium leviosa!’ Hughes to take a well-earned rest and hand the reins over to ‘Super Pig’ Adam Worthington. With Big Nige on the way out, young Worthington was determined to stop the rot and restore some family pride.

From the kick off, Cathays failed to gather and a line out was awarded. With stand in wizard Mark ‘Lily’ Savage on the ball, the lineout was won and after some good phase play, the Sarries found themselves deep in the away teams domain. After some good rucking by the Sarries, the Cathays boys decided to make their own rules up and play touchy-feely on the floor. The referee decided he didn’t like the new rules and gave to ball to Idris ‘Da Mouf’ who, after ignoring the advice by the sideline, took a quick tap penalty and dived over the line to make it 0:5 to the visitors. After the Pig going AWOL for the previous game, kicking duties were handed this week to Chris Parks, only joking, they went to the adonis Martin Gurr, who with a deft touch, lifted the ball over the crossbar to make it 0:7 to the Sarries.

Next it was the turn of the new starlet Tommy ‘The Hitman’ Rowe to stick his face in the way of a knee, which resulted in a blood replacement and Dai ‘Pavarotti’ Lowther taking to the field. With Dai’s huge head adding extra weight to the scrum, the Sarries won the ball and it was put through the hands, only for a spilt ball to be scooped up by a man with an Alice band on. Fortunately for the Sarries, although the hair was out of his eyes, the ball went forward just as the winger opened up and crossed the line. Cathays then carried on applying the pressure, and a cheeky chip over the defence, saw a 50/50 ball with old Alice band and Liam ‘Get the Brits out!’ Roberts. Liam was too busy writing political songs, and the Cathays full back danced a little jig around him and crossed the line to get the home team on the scoreboard. With the extras being added, after 10 minutes the score was 7:7 to the home team.

With the Sarries restarting the game, some poor tackling opened up the field for the Cathays backline to attack. With ball in hand they decided to have another run at the new boy Liam. This time Liam, with a picture of a Black & Tan running at him, decided to meet the runner head on and made him wish it was Friday. With a great tackle, the move was snuffed out, but a poor decision by the ref enabled the Cathays boys to resume the pressure. The Sarries soaked up the pressure, and when Joey ‘The Hips’ Ellis scooped up a loose ball the field opened up in front of him. With Joseph stepping this way and that, the Sarries were soon deep in the away teams half which ended up with a line out for the visitors. Mini wizard Savage found Tom Falvey and a rumble then a ruck was formed. Now nobody can sniff out the line like Joey Ellis (yes even with a nose like his), and he soon found himself over the whitewash to make it 12:7 to the Sarries. Up stepped Martin ‘I have the straightest nose in the world’ Gurr who kicked over the extras.

With the Sarries applying incredible pressure, Cathays soon found themselves on the wrong end of a great rolling maul. Unfortunately the maul came to a crashing end and Cathays somehow managed to come up with the ball. With the break on for the home team, after getting smashed by Liam on the one wing, decided to try their luck on the other. Cometh the hour, cometh the man and their outside centre soon wished he was running backwards after young Sam ‘I’m a little teapot’ Tomlinson put a massive hit in and put the attacker on his derriere. The Cathays attack continued and again after some very poor tackling, they managed to dance their way over the line for their second try. Cathays couldn’t add the extras and the half finished with the visitors just in front.

Half Time Cathays RFC 12 Cardiff Saracens RFC 14

With Cathays starting where they left off, the Sarries soon found themselves on the back foot once again. With the pressure too much, the Sarries decided they wanted to make up some rules, and once again the ref was unimpressed. With a massive onslaught by the Cathays forwards, the Sarries once again looked to the dark arts to put an end to the move. This time Mr Alice Band decided to go for the points. After striking the ball like Gareth Bale, the crossbar shook and the ball bounced back into play. With Cathays unable to follow up, the ball was cleared up field. After a couple of replacements by the Sarries, they soon found themselves on the front foot and that’s when Adam ‘Got a job for Nige?’ Worthington decided to see how hard Idris was. With a floating ball delivered by the Pig, young Idris ‘put his hands in the air like he don’t care’, just in time for the winger to paint a huge cross on ribs 5, 6 and 7, and hit him with a big kiss.

It was now the turn of the Sarries to have some possession, and some good work by the forwards saw old ‘Snake Hips’ Ellis cross over the line once again to establish himself as the leading try scorer for the club, this season anyway. With Chris Parks & Waka Angell in deep discussion about unretiring, they asked Martin Gurr to kick the ball at Joey to take him out the game, unfortunately for the oldies he missed, but fortunately for the team it went over the posts and the Sarries were now leading 12:21.

The next ten minutes saw the game a tooing and a froing, with neither team being able to string enough phases together to get a stranglehold, although Martin ‘Forrest Gump’ Longman did manage a cheeky Vulcan death grip on a player who was out for the count before he hit the canvas.

The next phase of play saw Martin ‘Oh God!!!’ Gurr being adopted into the wonkey nose club. With poor Martin unable to continue due to him not having a lot of blood to loose, was replaced by your friend and mine, the cheeky little Sparrer, Charlie ‘Gertcha!!’ Porker.

With the Sarries forwards linking up well again, Simon ‘Cheeks’ Payne crossed the line only to be held up under the posts. After Simon unable to score in a brothel with a score hanging out of his ear, the time came for the new boy Paul ‘Water boss?’ Cubbin taking to the field. With Paul running out to the backline, he soon realised he had no idea about what he was doing and asked to go in the front row.  From the scrum, the ball was won again and the Sarries crossed once again, only to be held up once again.  With the clock counting down, Cathays tried once again to breach the Sarries defence, but they were met head on by some strong tackling by Joey The Snake and Adam The Pig.  With the referee wanting to get home for Strictly, he decided he couldn’t hang around anymore and blew the final whistle.

Final Score

 Cathays RFC 12 Cardiff Saracens RFC 21

Man of the Match           Joey Ellis

Tw@ of the Match          Adam Worthington

Billy ‘Now the proud owner of a pig’ Williams