15 January 2015 / Team News

Toto, I Don't Think We're In Kansas Anymore

After the recent Hurricane Porter that smashed South Wales had subsided, the CIACS arrived at Roath Park Rec looking to blow their Christmas cobwebs away. However, with the Sarries having a full complement and a strong bench, this was going to be a tough day for the Docks Boys.


From the kick off it was the Sarries who hit the ground running. An early break by the backs opened up the CIACS youngsters like Ian Watkins with a bag of toffee apples. It was only after some indiscipline by the Sarries forwards at a ruck, that allowed the CIACS to clear their line. This resulted in the visitors having a line out. With a dubious overthrow, the CIACS oldest player Gimley, found himself with ball in hand and running like a dwarf on an Orc hunt. Unfortunately for the little fella, Martin ‘I’m The Best No 10 In The Club’ Gurr managed to get low enough to tackle him which caused the ball to spill.  The ball was then snapped up by Joseph ‘The Hips’ Ellis who kicked through and then chased it up and after the CIACS winger failed to release, the Sarries were awarded a penalty in a good position. After skipper Aled asked Mr Gurr to kick for touch, it was he himself who managed to find himself on a crash ball from the 2nd phase of the line out. Now Aled on a crash ball is a sight to behold, and the visitors stand off just stood there crying like he was about to lose his Mum. With Jon Phillips offering counselling from the side line, Aled off loaded the ball to the only man I’m scared of. With the body of Thor and the mind of a simpleton, Mike the Viking careered through the visitors back line and a great covering tackle took the big man into touch. The Sarries managed to steal the lineout, which resulted in Tommy ‘The Face’ Rowe crossing over the line. With the usual kicker doing his hair, it was up to Jimmy ‘The Treorchy Terror’ Chau to add the extras.

14 minutes gone and it was 7:0 to the Sarries. With the CIACS restarting the game, it was the new 2nd row wonder Gareth Lewis who claimed the ball. With some good link up play, Tom ‘Oh My God They’ve Killed Kenny’ Payne chipped the ball over the top of the on-rushing attackers, some fumbling by their full back allowed the forwards to get there in numbers. A pick and drive ensued, when Simon Payne thought he could fit into the no:12 shirt, he danced his way through the defence and off loaded the ball to a real scrum half Dan ‘I’m not South African either’ Hughes who scored under the posts. Jimmy Chau doubled his tally by slotting it between the chopsticks.

Almost straight from the restart, the CIACS found themselves resting under the posts again, as the one and only Joseph Ellis showed us exactly what the Old Illts were missing as he opened up his sparrow like legs and gassed his way over the whitewash. Jimmy Chau kept the scoreboard ticking over once again by scoring the conversion.

On 25 minutes it was try time again as Mike The Viking galloped up the pitch like Charlie Porter with a Dinner Ticket. There was nobody and nothing that would get in his way and he crossed under the posts to make it 26:0 to the home team. With Mr Chau plodding on like a stubborn pack horse, every point drove the CIACS further into the ground.

The next phase of play showed the watching crowd exactly why the Old Illts got rid of Joey as he went from hero to zero. With Mr Ellis Jnr down the wing like a Whippet with the shits, he decided to try and set up the only winger never to score, Liam ‘No milk, 20 empties please!’Roberts. After Joseph had done the hard work, and Liam was where he was supposed to be, the pass was less than perfect, in fact it was about as far from perfect as you can get, and this resulted in well, not a try.

After hacking the Sony website, it was Jimmy Chau who wanted to get in on the act. After smashing through the defence like Kim Jong Un at a screening of The Interview, he was over the line and celebrating in a Gangnam Style. Whoop!  Whoop!Whoop. After converting his own try, the scoreboard read 28:0 to the Sarries with 30 minutes gone.

The Sarries continued with their dominance, and after a good turnover from Tommy ‘The Hitman’ Rowe at the lineout, the forwards put some good phases together which resulted in Tom ‘Ive got the best tour stories’ Falvey spotting a gap and goosing the CIACS defenders. With Lurch crossing the line and ‘TTT’ adding the points, the Sarries ended the half 42:0 to the good.

Sarries restarted the game, and after a good catch from the CIACS captain, he managed to slip out of some poor tackling by the Sarries forwards. The CIACS play fizzled out when after a good turnover Martin ’Look at me’ Gurr put a perfectly placed touch finder in deep in the CIACS half. From the lineout, some great play in the loose by Matt ‘I’m going to assassinate a dictator’ Pritchard, resulted in a damn fine break by The Viking. With Liam ‘Get the Brits Out!’ Roberts in support, Mike passed the ball to his housemate who after studying Joeys catching comic, dropped the ball with no one to beat, Fool!

The next four minutes, were a blur as Joey Ellis decided to put some distance between himself and his nearest contender for most trys in a season. With Joey crossing for another try and then his boyfriend Tom Payne getting a try, the Sarries were soon over the half century of points.

With the game continuing at a furious pace, the Sarries  were soon on the attack again, and after some great work by forwards and backs, it was the worst captain in history who ballsed up another great opportunity. With the skipper blaming everyone except himself for his misdemeanour, it was down to Tom Falvey to up the tempo again when he pinned back his floppy ears and crossed over for his second try of the game. Jimmy struck again, and dispatched the ball over the posts and into the nearby stream which gave us great amusement on the side line watching Dai Rogers doing his Rain Man impression, panicking on the spot as the ball was being swept away.

With the referee feeling sorry for the visitors, he decided to let them roll the ball deep into the Sarries half, where it was a Sarries old boy James ‘Mavis’ somethingorother who breached the sarries line for the first and las t time that day. Their kicker toe poked the ball like Alan Martin, and the visitors were soon 7 points better than when they arrived earlier on in the day.

With the pretty boy doing his nails, he thought he would make the most of Chris ‘I’m not allowed to play for the past again’ Park’s absence, when he soft shoe shuffled his way through the visitors backline and over for a try. With Mr Chau on the phone to Treorchy RFC, he added another two points to his tally.

With the game nearly at an end, there was still time for a bit more magic. With John Ellis now selling tickets in the nearby park to people who should apparently come and watch his boy, forwards and backs linked up well once again which saw Joey cross for his hat-trick. (Oh I can’t drink a welly, as I’m having a dry January!).  With John Ellis now ripping up the tickets in disgust and saying he wished he’d had a daughter, it was Jimmy ‘Dude where’s my car?’ Carroll who decided to reconstruct George North’s incredible run with a member of the opposition on his shoulder. Now Jimmy started well, but didn’t get much further than three feet, fortunately Alex ‘I’m Ginger & Back’ Holvey was in support and after a great break, Gareth Lewis found himself in space and went over for his first try. With Jimmy Chau converting, this brought his points for the game to 27 points.

With the referee wanting to get home for The Voice, he brought the game to an end and the Sarries were deserved winners.

Final score

Cardiff Saracens 84          CIACS 7


Billy ‘Toto, come here boy!’ Williams    

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